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you can only fly so high before your wings burn & you hit the ground. [entries|friends|calendar]
jami renee.

[ website | whatev, man. ]
[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[15 Dec 2008|02:36pm]
coming to terms with losing my grandfather is, as everyone knows, going to be really hard.  hell, i'm almost twenty four  & i'm still not really over the fact that my parents got divorced four years ago.  i'm pretty bad at accepting change in my life all together, but i'm slowly getting better.  i think the fact that i rarely see people helps & hurts at the same time.  it gives me the often much needed opportunities to clear my head of any of the day to day bullshit that builds up.  but, on the other hand, having all that alone time tends to build up problems of its own.  i'm just one of those maladjusted people, you know?  always sort of miserable with everything at hand, but content that i'm breathing & have a group (if even a small one) of people who love & care for me.  & for that, i'm thankful.  i'm gracious that i have two loving parents, & a stepmonster that loves me, too.  i should feel more than blessed to have had even one set of grandparents that showered me with all the love & attention i could have ever wanted.  its now my turn to make sure my nana gets all the attention, respect, & help that she has deserved all these years.  maybe, in the mean time, my mom can go more than a day without fighting about something retarded.  & maybe i can see my dad more often & make him realize how much he means to me.  i hope he knows.

for christmas, the one thing i'd really like is to be with all my friends, in one place if possible, having a good time.  i miss everyone immensely & i wish we could all still be together with each other.  maybe i should try to arrange something.  yet, last time i had a party, the only people that came were from cullman, so i guess i'm not much of a host... ha.

anyway, tell your family you love them.  i don't know how the friends i have that have lost such close family members deal with it through each day, but i give them some major props for making it.  andy, kasey, darrell, zack... you guys are undeniably strong.

& laura, thanks for being such a great friend.  i don't know how i'm going to repay you.  so i'll just say thanks.
4lvous, compris

[13 Jan 2008|12:50pm]
i have got to find my place in this world.
1lvous, compris

hello walls. [01 Dec 2007|05:16pm]
[ mood | tired ]

i'm all kinds of ready for the next "chapter" in my life.
this one sucks.

my nana even admitted today that she misses tiny - & she hates dogs.

this house seems more hollow with every passing day.

vous, compris

[05 Sep 2007|03:17pm]
i was reading over old entries today - entries of my own, entries belonging to friends, & entries in livejournals that were made by people i've never even met.  anyway.  i remembered a lot of things i had forgotten - like why everyone starting saying "your mom drives a focus"... i miss that guy - the guy who i really used to have high hopes for in life.  the guy that amazed me all the time.  now, i don't know who he is anymore.  it sucks when your friends just change & stop being so... friendly.
vous, compris

stop. [19 Aug 2007|02:48pm]
I'm not going to lie to myself anymore - I still miss you. This is harder than I ever thought it could be. I wish that I didn't see your face everywhere I went, & I wish that I didn't think of you every hour of every day. I wish I could be strong enough to recognize that I was never what you wanted & thus you moved on so quickly. I could never describe how happy it makes me to see you happy with someone, but I could also never tell you how much hatred I have because of what was ripped away from me.  These Thursday night rendezvous are wearing me down.  This is stupid, I am stupid, & I want to run away.
vous, compris

i can't hold on to this, either. [05 Aug 2007|03:39pm]
every day, the world changes.  whether for good or not for better, it won't be the same as when you laid down  your head. 
you can't look back, but should you look forward?  open up your hands to someone, see what you get in return.
you watch movies & decide you should pack up your life, taking refuge in a foreign country.
what do borders even mean.
sometimes when i wake up, i hope i won't remember who i am - as if  i was magically reborn overnight.
some days i cry a lot.
& some days i smile a lot.
some days i remember, & some days i forget.
but it never gets any easier, no matter how old i get.
twenty two feels like fifteen yet startlingly more absent.
where are you?
who am i?
i want to push restart.
vous, compris

[30 Jun 2007|08:25pm]
i wish i had a big ol' bottle of rum right now.
but it's cool, i'm pretty happy otherwise.
vous, compris

i just want to be a child again. [09 May 2007|06:53pm]
i guess that day in march wasn't the lifesaver i thought it was. 
id pay good fucking money for my life to just turn the fuck around.  & i guess it will, now, in a way.  i just quit my job & i'm starting school in the fall.  i thought i have a boyfriend but i think i'm just going through the same shit i went through with scott & i'll be honest, i'm so tired of being treated that way.  ive still got to buy ashley a birthday present.  ive got so much shit to get in order its not funny.

im just sick of bitching. sick & tired of being sick & tired.  all i wanted was a hand to hold. i wont build my life around you, but damnit i'd love to just fit you in.
vous, compris

a battleship [08 Apr 2007|02:26am]
its two thirty in the morning & im up, at will's apartment, waiting for him to get off work so i'm not sitting here chilling with sebastian by myself. i already walked around rushton park like three times by myself, & i'd walk down to the one next to the donnelly house but it's dark & cold & i dont feel like it.

so, shit, anyway. monday was my birthday. will took me out, it was good. my mom got me a present & has actually been really nice to me lately. i think she must be having some kind of sex spurt with jeff or something. my dad is officially fired from bellsouth & was turned down by social security - for the first time in my entire life, my dad is unemployed. after thirty five years with the same company, no less. i haven't spoken to my nana since st. patrick's day. i've never gone that long with out talking to her in my entire life - i mean she lives right next to me for god's sake. i got texts from three different people on thursday night. usually i would have been all crazy & happy because i got to talk to them but this time it just didn't matter. moving on is magic.  there's not a lot shit going on for me other than i've finally learned how to be happy & how to make something out of my life.  this fall i'll be going back to uab & hell i might even quit my job & get another kiddy one.  im tired of being tied down right now, i'm too young to live my life like im fucking forty.  fuck that.  my hair is finally growing back out & ive  never been so excited.  i've got two great friends & i couldn't ask for better people in my life.  then there's will & that shit is just plain awesome.  for once the military is hot.  yesterday was andrew's birthday.  i didn't call him because he broke my heart on mine.  i never thought after all these years that we would get to a point where phone conversations meant for birthday wishes were rushed & forced.  but when he called me on mine i realized how far apart we've grown.  i hate to think there will be a time that he won't be in my life anymore but i have this feeling that we're on the brink of that cliff as it is.  i can't really think of anymore to say other than i wish i was high right now.  it'd be a lot easier to watch mario lopez on extra.
vous, compris

[25 Feb 2007|07:23pm]
i've never been this sad before. I wish I could just make things better. Your friends are the people who should be there for you when you're upset. I need that.
vous, compris

just stop. [18 Feb 2007|09:15pm]
i met a guy from germany last night. he was very aryan & i think his favorite band is the sneaker pimps. it was weird. i'm done watching people in love & being sad about it. There's nothing I can change, things have to fall in place on their own. I will go to work every day & do my job & live my life without waiting. I have to keep in mind that it is not the end of the world when a weekend is spent alone, in vain. Most days I feel like I have so much to say but the words never come out. The look on my face doesn't say anything. I don't finish most things because I get too scared.

Don't you ever just want to be taken seriously? Have something in your life that feels too real for words? Even if its a long drive to another town where different people live that know who you are but don't know why you're crazy.

I'm out of cokes & money.
i want to keep going & talking but i can't.

sometimes the hardest thing & the right thing are the same.
vous, compris

i really want to be happy. [28 Jan 2007|09:36pm]
hitting backspace on all that was just easier.
2lvous, compris

they're labeled "permanent markers" [24 Dec 2006|03:41am]
i threw away a life i didn't like to walk right into one i know nothing about.
abel will be gone for two weeks at work - that's two weeks of sheer silence other than me & ryan arguing.
christmas is tomorrow. it's another day.
this weekend royally fucking sucked.
& thomas called last night. weird.
vous, compris

[22 Nov 2006|06:04pm]
i have the flu.
plus puking.
& tomorrow is thanksgiving. god.
vous, compris

[28 Sep 2006|11:09am]
i totaled my truck & the first person I saw was chris dobbs.  he even hugged me.
it was crazy.
say bye to the danger ranger.
& parts of my mouth.
3lvous, compris

[10 Sep 2006|11:16am]
i got a new tattoo - it's three stars on the top of my foot.  its decidedly even shittier than the other one i have.  but fuck, it was free, so i can use the money i saved getting it getting it fixed.  or i could drive back to cartersville, georgia & make him fix it.  who knows.

i'm listening to norma jean.  i forgot how much i love them.

thomas is now eighteen.  i loved his party.  lots & LOTS of random people were there.  Even a breed boy!

i really love you, morgan jebewhatever. 
5lvous, compris

dang. [27 Aug 2006|12:48pm]
hey 2003.  
oh, so you're back again?
well, that's good.  cos i live my life when you're around.
let's try this again, shall we?

this is my greek tv.
2lvous, compris

[17 Aug 2006|09:53pm]
i haven't been on lj in forever.  we got banned from it at work.

speaking of work, i haven't been since last friday.  Today is thursday, i think.  i got sick sunday night, went to the doctor monday morning, & found out I have strep and tonsilitis.  I had to go to the er today to get fluids pumped in me.  i've lost nine pounds.

coke tastes weird right now.
vous, compris

[13 Jul 2006|11:02am]
my nana makes the best squash ever.
i love my nana.
1lvous, compris

[12 Jul 2006|02:20pm]
I just bought this:

I'll still have my other cell # for a while, but I'm gonna be using Chad's old number (369.3628) as mine now.  
So if you wanna talk to me, call that number.
It has a DC # too but I have to figure it out first.
You know, one of my biggest fears is changing cell phone numbers & missing calls because of it.  I doubt I'll be missing much, though.
vous, compris

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